Late Night Snark: Help Is Here Edition
“President Biden just got a nice bullet in the arm. You know how he said he hoped to get 100 million Americans vaccinated by the end of his first 100 days in office? six weeks. Isn’t it amazing. What can you do if you don’t turn the blame over to Jared? ”
“According to a new report, since President Biden took office, CNN has lost 45% of its prime-time audience to its biggest competitor – a good night’s sleep.”
“It’s time for the NCAA men’s and women’s college basketball tournaments. Sadly – and longtime viewers of this show may be surprised – the men and women of these tournaments are treated quite differently. This year’s tournament gave female athletes cheaper, less sensitive coronavirus tests than men. Basically, while men got the gold standard for virus testing, the NCAA asked women to cough into a handkerchief and whisper, ” It’s nothing.
“Pfizer has started testing an oral antiviral drug for Covid. Man, if they could just put the drug in a chicken sandwich, America will flatten the curve by Friday.”
“The Suez Canal is blocked after a giant container ship got stuck, blocking almost the entire width of the canal. I understand: after a year of quarantine, nothing will fit anymore. They should have put this vessel in their stretch channel – you know, the one that looks like denim but gives? ”
“The cruise ships are coming back. Did we learn nothing as a company ??? ”
– Conan O’Brien
And now, our feature overview …
Cheers and Jeers for Friday March 26, 2021
To note: We finally have the results of the CPAC-RNC “Count the candies in the mason jar” contest. After three weeks of analysis, we concluded that the correct answer is: three. There were 697 entries but no winner. Thanks for playing. See you next year! —Ronna McDaniel
Easter days: 9
Americans polled by Gallup who are happy with the direction the country is heading, up from 11% in Trump’s last month in office: 32%
Amount banks provided financing to oil, gas and coal companies last year, more than they did in 2016 when the Paris climate agreement was signed: $ 3.8 trillion
Number of the current 100 members of the United States Senate who were born when there were less than 50 states: 64
Ranking Columbus OH, St. Petersburg FL and Aurora CO among the 200 largest US cities with the best water quality, according to a new survey from LawnStarter: # 1, # 2, # 3
The last year bike sales were as high as they are now:1973
Number of Star Trek episodes William Shatner, who turned 90 this week, says he watched: 0
Puppy photo of the day: Weekend plans …
CHEERS to break the fever. Here is some good, good, good news on the economic front after more than a year of bad, bad, bad news on jobs, jobs, jobs:
The first weekly jobless claims fell to 684,000 last week, the lowest weekly total since the start of the pandemic, according to data released Thursday by the Labor Ministry.
This is the first time since last March that jobless claims for the first time have fallen below the 700,000 mark and greatly exceed economists’ expectations of 735,000 for the week ending. March 20, 2021. […]
“Things have improved over the past year, but there are still millions of people in real economic pain,” said Ann Elizabeth Konkel, economist at Indeed Hiring Lab. “The increase in vaccinations is hopefully the beginning of the end. Once the public health situation improves, a full recovery can finally take place.”
The positive economic movement is part of a radical and bold new American economic plan called:[Checks notes]- Let’s put the Democrats in charge of the economy.
JEERS to meet expectations. The Media, Inc. demanded that President Biden hold a press conference because it’s been nine more days since any other president has held one so what’s he hiding? !!So Joe had a press conference and he was fine. It’s okay. The White House press corps, by contrast, was its usual atrocious press corps. Zero questions about the pandemic. Or guns. Or jobs. An unnecessary question about Joe’s plans for 2024. Pathetic. But then there is this:
The greatest president since Lincoln. (Even with the hat.)
CHEERS to embrace the dark side. Remember to turn off your lights (yes including your lava lamp) tomorrow night at 8:30 a.m. local time and join the world in the dark for World Wildlife Federation’s annual Earth Hour:
Launched by WWF and its partners as a symbolic event in Sydney in 2007, Earth Hour is today one of the world’s largest grassroots movements for the environment. Held annually on the last Saturday of March, Earth Hour engages millions of people in more than 180 countries and territories, turning off their lights to show their support for our planet.
With your support, Earth Hour 2021 could be a landmark moment that puts nature at the center of international conversations. Together, we can speak out and show world leaders and other decision makers around the world that nature matters and that urgent action must be taken to reverse the loss of nature.
Try. You’ll save a little juice, save a little scratch, and join the rest of the planet in a good cause (socially responsible distance). As an added bonus, looking a bit into a dark void will give you a rare glimpse of what it looks like in a Republican’s head when someone asks them to come up with a great idea to tackle climate change.
SHORT HEALTH BREAK
ENDING A SHORT HEALTH BREAK
CHEERS at Matzoh Fever. Passover (aka “They Tried to Kill Us, We Survived, Let’s Eat”) begins tomorrow at sunset. The holiday commemorates Moses’ exodus from Egypt three thousand years ago, including his separation from the Oscar-winning Red Sea. I’m not Jewish (my roulette wheel stopped at Episcopalian), but I still like to commemorate it with an abbreviated seder where I jump straight to the four glasses of wine. That is why in our house the holidays are known as Passout.
CHEERSto make and make it beautiful. Forty-two years ago today, March 26, 1979, Menachem Begin in Israel and Anwar Sadat in Egyptsigned a historic peace agreementwhich still holds today:
The Egypt-Israel peace treaty was the direct result of theCamp David Peace Accords, signed in September 1978. President Sadat and Prime Minister Begin jointly received the Nobel Peace Prize later that year.
Under the agreements, Israel agreed to withdraw its troops from the Sinai Peninsula in exchange for Egypt’s recognition of the State of Israel. The Palestinians have also obtained the right to some self-determination.
Sadat said of Ombudsman, Democratic President Jimmy Carter, who is still with us at 96: “[He is] the man who performed the miracle. Without exaggeration, what he did was one of the greatest achievements of our time. “Yeah, we kinda like it ourselves.
CHEERS to the vegetation of the house. If couch potato is on your agenda this weekend, here are a few things that might pop up on your TV. Friday news broadcasts – much less sparse, thanks to our new Zen President – are unboxed by Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow on MSNBC. Sure Line of fire (8:30 a.m., PBS), Yo-Yo Ma performs and talks about the impact of the pandemic on the arts.
The most popular home videos, new and old, are all reviewedhere at Rotten Tomatoes. TheThe NHL schedule is here, theThe NBA schedule is here, and you will find information on the NCAA Women’s and Men’s Basketball Tournamenthere and here. The NAACP Image Award are tomorrow night at 8 am on BET and CBS. SNL is back from a hiatus with host Maya Rudolph. Sure 60 minutes: The Origins of Covid, Our New Robot Lords, and a Profile of Sports Writer Dave Kindred. Marge participates in a jewel heist on The simpsons, and Lois angles to win the prize for the best customer in his favorite cafe on Family guy.
Here is now your Sunday morning schedule:
Meet the press:A special edition on mass shootings with the senses. Chris Murphy (D-CT) and Pat Toomey (R-PA), and Representative Judy Chu (D-CA).
This week:White House Director of Communications Kate Bedingfield; Senator Dan Sullivan (R-AK).
Face the Nation:Representative Henry Cuellar (D-TX); Doc Fauci; Re-elect Julia Letlow (R-LA); Anthony Capuano, CEO of Marriott.
CNN’s state of the union:Secretary of State Antony Blinken; Senator Raphael Warnock (D-GA); Representative Nikema Williams (D-GA); Dr Sanjay Gupta,
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday:TBA
Ten years ago at C&J: March 26, 2011
JEERS to erase the past. Maine Governor Paul LePage ordered the removing a mural which has been celebrating the history of the labor movement since… wait… the lobby of… wait…the labor department! And he wants all conference rooms – now named after famous union leaders like Frances Perkins – to receive new “non-partisan” names. The reason (based on, according to the story linked to above, an email from, literally, “A Secret Admirer”): Business leaders might be offended if they reminded them of the thousands of workers on whom they trampled on the name of profit. And in other news this morning we change the sign welcoming you at the state border from “Maine: Life Should Be” to “Maine: Help! A Human Manifestation of Our Governor’s Cujo”.
And just one more …
CHEERSto the best science officer in the galaxy. This guy:
Happy 90th birthday, Leonard Nimoy, wherever you are. (And, from this year, Happy Leonard Nimoy Day in Boston.) We could really use some of your logic here right now.
Have a good week-end. The floor is open … What are you rejoicing and laughing at today?